I can’t believe it’s December already. Where has the time gone? Can’t believe I’m getting married next month but before I get to celebrate and enjoy one of my life’s greatest feat, I have to experience pain and sadness first. To say that November was crazy is an understatement. I think it’s the lowest point of my life this year.
It started really busy, with work, side gigs, wedding preparations and etc. It was crazily busy that I can’t even remember what happened most of the days. It was the kind of busy that I didn’t like. Monotonous and stressful. Ralph and I were restless and sleepless everyday. Most of the time, we ask ourselves if everything that we’ve been doing is even worth it. If Dubai is still even worth it.
In the middle of all the craziness, all of a sudden I woke up with the news that my grandmother is terminally ill and confined at the hospital. Weeks after receiving the news, she’s still in the ICU and barely making it. It was really painful for me. I just can’t digest the fact that she’s 50/50 in the hospital when just last month I was back home and celebrating with her because I’m getting married and she didn’t show any signs of being ill or whatever. We were all happy. I guess life is really very unpredictable.
But fast forward to 2 weeks before November ends, I had to be back home unexpectedly – for all the sad reasons. Cut the story short, my grandmother’s in heaven now. Although I feel very lucky that I was still able to see her during her final days, at the same time I was sad and disappointed to myself because I felt that I could’ve spent more time with her before. Seeing all her pictures, I’ve realized that I missed lots of her birthday celebrations and family occasions. Although whenever I get to be back home in the Philippines, I always make sure to visit her and bring something for her. But still, I felt sorry for not always being there. It hurts to think that she’ll not be there to witness my special day – my wedding. I really wanted her to be there. I guess death really makes you realize things. That memories are forever.
When my dad died, I was full of regrets of not showing how I really love him when he was still alive. He has Alzheimer’s and I think all I ever showed him while he was struggling was that how I was deeply hurt by him. How I was so disappointed that he remembers other people like his colleagues but not us, his own family. How he stopped being a father. Of course it was not his choice but I was young and stupid back then. But when he died, he made me realize how I was so grateful for all his teachings and for all the memories I had with him. I realized the memories I have with him are the best memories I’ve ever had. He’s the main reason why I am where I am right now. He will forever remain as my inspiration.
Memories are the real treasure. Now, my memories with my Lola is the only thing that I will hold on to when I think of her. This is why, I feel that from now on, I really want to spend time with my family in any way I can. I need to make more memories. Time is actually the best gift I can ever give them. You Can Always Make More Money, But You Cannot Make More Time.
How I wish I was with you during these times Lola.
I was truly grateful for my Lola cos she taught us lots of things and she was the reason I grew up with a close knit family. Growing up, I’ve learned that having lots of aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews and relatives as a whole is a gift. Like normal families, we weren’t close to perfect and we had lots of issues but even on her last days, she was still able to find a way that no matter what happened between all of us in the past, she made us complete again. Somehow, we became a family again. And that is why I know that wherever my Lola is now, she’s happy.
Despite of it all, in a way I think I’m still blessed with lots of things. My 2 week impromptu visit in the Philippines made me realize lots of things too. One, I’m grateful that I’m working for a people-centered company and bosses that understand my situation. I’m still grateful for Dubai for lots of things and for being such a good provider of opportunities for me and Ralph. Also, I’m grateful in a way that I was able to pause for a bit and not think of work the way I always do. Also truly grateful for my husband to be, Ralph, for all the support he’s given me during those difficult times.
And lastly, instead of feeling sorry and grieving, I went back to Dubai feeling inspired and grateful about life. I’ve realized that everyday, we need to live in the moment. That we need to be there for our family and friends. We need to be kind to ourselves and to each other cos you’ll never know what might happen. You’ll just never know. Now, little by little I get to understand what Happiness is for me. I get to understand what my goals in life truly are.
“I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it’s not the answer.”
– Jim Carrey
Now, I haven’t been famous or rich but I feel that now, in a way I get it and I hope sooner or later, everybody will get it too.